YWednesday, September 07, 2005
the start of today was beautiful..wen u noe that everything was in place.
u understood ur notes prepared for ur paper and just ready to write it all down..
till wen u actually sit and look at the paper itself and just go "wat the hell!!".
heh.yepz..the paper was like totally unexpected..it wasn't easy. tat's all that i can tell u.
tsk.
then to the fact that i finally poured everything out to him yesterday.
it felt good..like a huge weight of my back.
BUT after all this..i duno if he should noe..if it would change anythg.
like if it'd be awkward btwn us..
maybe im thinking too much..i duno. i dun care.
just now..
farid msged me again..then my hurt just came back.
at how i feel used and how it was bein close to him..
just to feel loved and secured by someone again..at a moment of desperation.
at a moment whereby ur mind and ur heart just dun coincide wit each other..
wer u just wen ahead on impulse..without thinking..or valuing urself.
with the hope that u can somehow relive the past that u have always wanted with someone else
-clearly Impossible.
i just hate the word love..or hope..or fate..or anything to do with being in love.
cuz love is like a venom.
it slowly runs through u..
it hurt u and it will continue doing so..
so u just keep enduring and enduring till u can find a way to totally remove it.
which by then..will be too late.
wer ur emotions, ur heart and your desire to love just gets amputated.
and u not only feel pain..but numb all at once.
that u will just refuse to feel love anymore..because it will remind u of wat happend
of how u got bitten and poisoned by the one person u really love.
but somehow..
u will still be longing for the love that hurt u..
not knowing why..not caring even.
bcoz u noe that the love that bit and poisoned u
was the love that u will never have again.
that is how i literally feel..
put into verses tat perhaps can relate better to u..
u noe..at tis point of time..all i want is to have someone who loves me
who will be there for me.
..anytime i feel like tis.
Hurt.Used.Lost.Useless.
[what is happening to me?]*on breakdown*
_callous_ was here with you at
